Covid is like one of those unwanted guests that just shows up unannounced, barges into your home and takes over. No one wants to deal with it but we are forced to in spite of all efforts of resistance.
There are tremendous stories of suffering, from the inability to be with your dying loved ones due to Covid restrictions to suffering with the intruder itself, some eventually succumbing to its fatal blows.
There is still another aspect of Covid that is, maybe, even more lethal than the physical ramifications; that is the mental and emotional suffering caused because of its invasion. Suicide numbers have increased and failed attempts have caused an increase in our hospital admissions. Patients with clinical depression, anxiety, stress and loneliness are scattered throughout the floors of our hospitals, along with many staff members falling not far behind.
As a recreational therapist in the mental health unit, I met a patient, Ross, who was admitted for depression. He said he was lonely, lacked motivation, and was hopeless and struggling with suicide ideation. He said he would go to the gas station near his apartment, just to see people and have small conversations because he was so desperately missing human interaction. Unfortunately, the gas attendant did not take time to understand Ross’ predicament and called the police complaining that Ross was loitering. The police brought Ross to the hospital and he was admitted into the mental health unit. On his second admission, Ross was feeling so alone and isolated that he was losing his sense of reality and wellbeing. In his state of hopelessness, he attempted suicide by overdosing on psychiatric medication. He was admitted in our ICU until he was stable enough to be moved into the mental health unit.
Through various discussions he was able to realize the impact his behavior had on his family. He felt regret and understood that there were other options for support and resources to assist him. He decided to write letters to his father and neighbours, to go outside for fresh air daily and to create a routine and schedule for each day. He was able to find hope in his life again.
Being able to assist Ross on this journey was very rewarding, but also a bit ominous, as I consider how many others there are who still haven’t discovered helpful resources or found the hope they need to keep moving forward.
“When a man says I cannot, he has made a suggestion to himself. He has weakened his power of accomplishing that which otherwise would have been accomplished.”
Muhammad Ali
As a Spiritual Care Practitioner and registered psychotherapist, I provide therapy, emotional and spiritual support for not only patients but also for staff. The pandemic has taken its toll on our staff from daily staff shortages, due to mental health as well as sick leaves, to feeling overwhelmed in attempts to meet patient and family requests, due to visitation restrictions. The ever-changing hospital policies around the restrictions leave staff struggling with how to respond to requests and needs as well as the pressure of trying to understand, stay up to date and comply with the constant changes. Extra stresses at work, as well as at home, have led to staff feeling overwhelmed, burnout and compassion fatigue. Many people, like our staff, after going through such enormous stress, feel the need to reevaluate their lives. Some decide to quit or take early retirement, others change career paths all together, and still others realize their need to make relationship and family changes at home.
Feeling overwhelmed, depleted and ready to throw in the towel, Tonya, an ICU nurse, had an emotional breakdown in the unit, causing her manager to send her to the spiritual care office for emotional support. Tonya’s father recently passed away from complications surrounding Covid. Tonya was unable to be with him as he lived in Jamaica and the travel restrictions did not permit her to go. She was very close to her father, but due to staff shortages she was only permitted three days of bereavement leave. She has been feeling overworked and unable to process her grief. She then, for the first time, shared out loud that her husband of 10 years was emotionally abusive, had an affair two years ago but then Covid struck and their relational issues got buried beneath the more pressing issues surrounding Covid-19. She has two small children at home and was struggling to ensure they were doing their online schooling even as she was caring for her elderly mother who was living with them.
Tonya is worried about bringing Covid home to her family, she is grieving the loss of her beloved father and she is carrying double her patient load on a regular basis. She said she always prided herself in being on top of things, organized and a compassionate professional. Now she comes to work in a fog, worried that she could misinterpret chart notes or miscalculate a patient's medication dosage or become irritable with co-workers and patients. She asked her overwhelmed manager for a mental health leave or even to take some of her owed vacation hours. Her request was denied due to lack of staff coverage. She is tempted to quit. “I just can’t do this anymore. I don’t have the energy or the will to go on,” she said. She heard that if she took a contract position that nurses were being paid double during Covid because of the crisis in staffing. This frustrated her because she wanted to be a loyal and reliable employee, but it didn’t feel fair that other nurses, doing the same job with less stress than she has, are getting paid more than double what she is. She normally loves her job but has now lost all desire and motivation. She doesn’t have time to provide compassionate care to her patients, which is morally distressing for her and she wants to separate from her husband but cannot find the time or energy to initiate this process. She is falling apart but needs to keep it together for all those under her care.
Having a convenient and safe place to unload allowed Tonya to let go of some of her burdens and opened her up to new ways of thinking. Helping Tonya gain new perspectives on her current problems, exploring new options for self-care, educating and creating personal and professional boundaries gave Tonya new hope. Feeling heard and now better equipped, Tonya had new confidence in herself and in her ability to get through this time of struggle. She had renewed energy and motivation to keep going.
Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying… “I will try again tomorrow”
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The overall impacts of Covid in the hospital have been transformative. Although much darkness has been experienced, there have also been glimmers of light. Being forced to come face to face with the realities of one’s life and then making necessary changes for personal health and wellbeing is one example of a difficult but valuable result of Covid. Personal ideals and priorities in life surface during crises and often motivate people toward positive changes in their lives that may not occur otherwise. Helen Keller once said, “Although life is full of suffering it is also full of overcoming it.” We hold on to this hope, as we press on toward a better tomorrow.
(*For confidential purposes, no real names are used in this writing)
Jessica Ng, is a Toronto-based Recreational Therapist
Pamela Bauer, is Toronto-based Spiritual Care Practitioner
The emotional toll, the stress and strain on your mental health due to this pandemic can induce a considerable degree of fear. Are you worried and concern about your work, loss of income, future of your child’s education, your relationships, your wellbeing? We will have experts tell you how to cope and help find solutions. You can write in with your queries: covidtales19@gmail.com
